Cross my mind

Badly in love

I miss writing, badly. So what better treatment than write?!

About a year ago, July 9th, 2012 it was, I was writing this

What was the motivation that brought you where you are today? Taking a step back, in time and conscience, is necessary for you to know you are still on the right (e.g. wished for) track.

Circumstances change, it’s a fact of life. How far have you gone from what you initially wished for? If you find yourself too far away from what you really want, it’s time to stop. Once more. Look back, take one, two, three… or as many steps back as you need. Put yourself back on the track. Don’t compromize too easily. Not if you’re up for a life long change. Easier said than done, but well, it’s for sure worth.

Life is still a Journey, one I am still badly in love with. Circumstances still change. I still need to stop and reflect and not let myself carried away too far… regardless of all temptations, of all excitements – and for a person like me, who lights oh so fast… this has always been a challenge with a “C”; regardless of all the questions I still don’t have answers to.

But I’ve learned something, within the past two years. I’ve learned to listen to my gut feeling, and trust it beyond reason. I mean, I’ve really learned it: assumed it, with all consequences, or despite all consequences. And I’ve learned something else: that Life is easy and beautiful, if you allow it to be this way. That one shines when one loves who he or she has become. That there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that cannot be overcome.

I must have been 18 or so when I read this in one of the Russians… I don’t recall the author exactly, but could have been Leonid Andreyev. That comedy was only a tragedy over which sufficient time had passed. And for sure Andreyev was the one who wrote in one of his short plays that the Earth was a garden, from which God picked the most beautiful flowers first…

Max did not know whether time was moving or whether it stood motionless. The same even, white light poured down on him–the same silence and quiet. Only by the beating of his heart Max could judge that Chronos had not left his chariot. His body was aching ever more from the unnatural position in which it lay, and the constant light and silence were growing ever more tormenting. How happy are they for whom night exists, near whom people are shouting, making noise, beating drums; who may sit on a chair, with their feet hanging down, or lie with their feet outstretched, placing the head in a corner andcovering it with the hands in order to create the illusion of darkness.

Max made an effort to recall and to picture to himself what there is in life; human faces, voices, the stars…. He knew that his eyes would never in life see that again. He knew it, and yet he lived. He could have destroyed himself, for there is no position in which a man can not do that, but instead Max worried about his health, trying to eat, although he had no appetite, solving mathematical problems to occupy his mind so as not to lose his reason. He struggled against death as if it were not his deliverer, but his enemy; and as if life were to him not the worst of infernal tortures – but love, faith, and happiness. Gloom in the Past, the grave in the Future, and infernal tortures in the Present – and yet he lived. Tell me, John N., where did he get the strength for that?

He hoped.

(LOVE, FAITH AND HOPE, by Leonid Andreyev)

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About Madalina Serban

I love children. I love the sea. I love dancing. I love writing. And I love a man who makes me laugh.

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